Surviving in Captivity: Living well with others while practicing "social distancing"
Introduction
"How can I miss you if you never go away?
With the current COVID-19 concerns and directives to avoid public gatherings, a lot of people will be spending a lot more time at home in the weeks to come. If you, like so many others, have a hard time with the dynamics of your household, this is at least a little intimidating. Whether you live with roommates, and intimate partner, children or extended family, there are some basic tools that will help you and yours use this as a time to improve those relationships and make home a more comfortable place to be for all who live there. I can tell you, it will not happen by magic or with simple good intentions. You're going to need a plan. As I often say in my counseling office, "Humanness is hard. We don't always do it very well." In this series, we will look at essential tools that will help you and yours "human" together better, getting more of what you do want and less of what you don't. Let's just get this out of the way - if you have more than one human in any place for any length of time, there will be conflicts. Avoiding explosions does not get you off the hook for conflicts; They will still happen. The explosions will occur insideof you instead of outside.
Some people believe this is a worthwhile trade because fighting with people who matter to you can be excruciating. It's your life so it's certainly your choice, but you should know that avoiding the outward conflicts and carrying them around inside will deteriorate your relationship because you are severely limiting what parts of you are represented. In addition, carrying that kind of stress around literally depletes us on the cellular level, decreasing our telomeres, (the gooey stuff that caps off out DNA strands,) leaving us susceptible to serious illness including cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure, depression, anxiety, autoimmune dysfunction and more. What if there were a way to have your conflicts without attacking one another, yelling at one another, threatening one another and feeling awful? Would it be worth it to have the conflicts now? That's what this short series is designed to address. Most often our "what" - what we are trying to communicate - is not only spot on, but important. However, very often our "how" - how we are attempting to tell other what we want and need - gets in our way, shifting the conversation from responsive to reactive. Then we stop hearing each other, and we very often defensively hurt one another. There is another way.
What if there were a way to have your conflicts without attacking one another, yelling at one another,
threatening one another and feeling awful? Would it be worth it to have the conflicts now?
That's what this short series is designed to address.
Stay tuned in the coming weeks for articles that will help you and yours get to that place where you can each say what you need to say, be heard, and be able to hear what those in your household are saying to you. We will be covering: · The importance of staying off of "your last nerve" and 6 ways to do it · Fact checking, avoiding assumptions · Re-tooling expectations · Using the XYZ Formula to clearly communicate in ways that don't torch the person in front of you · Loving the person while effectively addressing the behavior · The futility of fault and blame and a better idea · Practicing healthy INTERdependence - Making space for yourself so that you can connect at other times · Thinking outside of the box on ways to have fun together I will give you examples from the couples, families and friends I have worked with over the years in counseling and share ways that those people have learned to do things more successfully. Let's use this time to "grow forward" together, building healthier households and happier lives. I mean… It beats watching reruns of sporting events and eventually you will run out of Netflix shows that are worth bingeing… so why not? See you in this space again soon!