My Untuned Instrument
Like a lot of people, during the pandemic I worked way too many hours and slept way too little. In spite of lots of exercise, my sleep cycle set my hormonal regulation off. I ended up with what’s called “nighttime hypoglycemia.” LINK This is when the body’s use of insulin, leptin and serotonin get very confused. I found myself unable to sleep for hours and hours at a time because my body had decided chemically that midnight to 4a were actually 5a to 8a, and I really should be eating something.
I tried valiantly not to eat in the middle of the night as they… you know… “THEM…” they always say not to eat after 8p. As it turns out, this was exactly the wrong thing to do. I was making it worse.
Then I tore the meniscus tendon on one of my knees. This meant exercise was now out, and my already fragile sleep got worse with constant waking from pain. I was slowly losing touch with myself. Then, before the first knee healed, I tore the other one. I couldn’t walk in healthy alignment for over 2 years, always trying to relieve this or that pain. Good sleep was nearly impossible, so everything chemical was also out of balance.
My body was like an out of tune instrument, blaring out raucous sounds at random intervals.
We Need Our Mojo
Maya Angelou wrote, “Surviving is important, but thriving is elegant.” Surviving is so important that it takes over every part of us in its service. I didn’t even notice how much of myself I had abandoned until more than a year after the shut down was over.
Thinking about it all now? I want my mojo back. Thinking about the challenges we are likely about to go through as a Nation? I need my mojo back. We need to be at our very best.
An Affair We’d Like to Forget
Not so long ago, we were all forced into a relationship that took precedence over many of our human relationships, including our relationship with ourselves. This relationship demanded the energy that belonged to other relationships, much like an affair. We all had a kind of forced affair with a pandemic.
Just like we do in long term relationships with humans, we made compromises in order to do it well. We let go of things we like to do, the way we dress and spend our leisure time; The things that define and distinguish us. Now that we have broken up with the pandemic, (hopefully for good,) it’s time to reassess the things we’ve given up.
Gathering Back
There are some things we likely hadn’t even noticed we had let go. Some of the things we did notice don’t feel like they are worth the effort any more. When long term human to human relationships end, one of the important restorative tasks we do is to go back to our pasts and try to remember who we were before we got into the relationship — before we compromised this and that in order to co-create something that worked for the relationship. Even when we haven’t over-compromised, we have necessarily compromised.
In her book, The State of Affairs, Esther Perell writes, “Affairs are often the revenge of deserted possibilities.” What would happen if we stopped deserting those possibilities? Here, on the other side of our “affair” with the pandemic, who are we? What parts of ourselves have been neglected or left behind? How can we reclaim those deserted parts of ourselves in a healthy way?
On the Cellular Level
Trauma memory literally lives in the cells of our bodies. The memory sits there, ready to notice a familiar danger in a desperate effort to keep us from experiencing that trauma again.
How is your body doing?
Right now, without changing your posture, scan your body. Just notice. Whether you are sitting, laying down, standing or walking, right now, in this moment, is your spine aligned? Are your shoulders back? Is your neck holding your head up well? Are your abs pulled in tight to support your spine?
One common responses to traumatic or even just stressful events is what’s called collapse. We round our shoulders forward, relax our core support, slump forward with our necks bent. In terms of biolocation, our bodies are telling us that we need to protect our vital organs. It doesn’t feel safe to live fully. It feels vulnerable to be open.
I’ve caught my body in the state of collapse again and again in recent years, even though intellectually I’ve continued to find hope and healing regardless of circumstances. My body is not nearly as convinced of my resilience as my mind is.
Uncollapsing
Want to do a magic trick? Ground your feet, stand up straight, pull your core in, hold your head up, pull your shoulders back and take a long, slow cleansing breath. Now do the opposite – collapse intentionally for a moment. Try to breathe through those compacted lungs and scrunched up throat. Now go back to the uncollapsed state. How do you feel?
Now take it one step further: Soften your eyes and brows and smile. Notice how the chemicals in your body literally shifted. What did I tell you? Magic!
Tuning Our Inner Orchestra
Restoring our posture to an empowered, uncollapsed state reminds us at every level, all the way down to our cells, that we are strong and capable, able to manage whatever comes. It reminds of who we are.
The difference between that posture and the posture we had before we did the exercise shows us what needs to heal. You can use the biolocation/interoception technique found in this video to read what your body is telling you.
We have the power to tune ourselves - to bring all parts of ourselves back into alignment with who we truly are – and restore our mojo without doing a single moment of intellectual reflection or emotional processing. Start with your body. It will faithfully lead you to the parts of your mojo that may have been left behind. Go back and get it!